My first job

by **climax** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 4:51 am

Hi everybody,
I got my first "professional" request for a slideshow! A colleague at finnish school is developing a website to promote business in Africa, and he asked me for a flashshow to be in his homepage.
We've been working a lot in the show, and we already have agreed about the pictures, effects and the music. And yesterday he finnally sent me the text.
I think the show is ready, but before I send him the link I would like to know your opinion. Especially regarding the text... is it clear ? Is it easily readable ? Is it correctly writen ? (after all, both of us don't have english as our mother tongue... and prepositions for instance, are a true nightmare :lol:

)
Another aspect about the text is that he keeps repeating the name of the company many many times during the show. I'm thinking about suggesting him to some times use "we" instead of the company's name...

I'm sooo happy.... with the money I charged for my work I intend to upgrade to Producer

The show is called Africa and it doesn't have anything offensive in it. It takes about 2 minutes.

http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewsho ... alb=153540

Any comments or suggestions would be tremendously welcome !
Thank you!!
Cristina

by **bellzerr** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:44 am

It looks good Cristina. The text of the plugged in globe text seemed a little awkward. Instead of:
"Delaino Consulting Group provides you facts based market intelligence and guide you to local partners who do have specific technology domain expertise"

how about removing YOU and DO and making GUIDE plural?

"Delaino Consulting Group provides facts based market intelligence and guides you to local partners who have specific technology domain expertise"

Other than that, for a business show, the pace is a bit slow for my liking, but that's a personal thing.

It has a very professional look. Nice job!

by **bellzerr** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:54 am

Ah, just noticed in your original post your concern with English.
Zebra slide: remove TO and make ALIGN plural:
"...helps you overcome the cultural differences and aligns..."

Phone slide: "...connects you to the right people in the right place at the right time" (getting to the right PEOPLE is the most important part so I moved it first."

and: "Take into consideration THE serious"

Hope that helps.

by **HunnyB** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:00 am

First let me say BRAVO again. If you don't change a thing - the show is fine. The following are only suggestions
that I may try - you can take them or try them......

1. At the slide at 42 seconds, I would lose the "slide style" --- does not seem needed here.

2. Slides at 51, 56, and 59 seconds - was looking at the slide style " Glowing Title Montage" Looks interesting.
I know you may not have this one. But remember that filmstrips, and type reflections are "in" right now.
Just watch commercials. In fact, they have almost overdone the reflections. What I would do is try different
ones until the perfect one appears. I think a couple of slide styles would work in this show.

3. Certainly the company has a logo --- I would use it as a watermark in the bottom right hand corner
of every slide.

4. In the beginning some type goes over a face. Not a fan of this. IMHO.

5. Wonder if you could soften the music some? I noticed that the music distracted me from the info I was trying
to read. But I love the piece. I was really getting into it - maybe too much. Any thoughts on this guys?????

6. If it were me - I would try a globe at the end instead of a flat square clipart. Might looks cool.
Maybe with some stars glowing in the background. Choicebackgrounds has a video loop.

Can't wait to hear what you and others think.....

by **bellzerr** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:11 am

On the company name question... the way this show is done I think the use of the company name is fine. I would only substitute "we" if the text was more conversational or if you were using the name in the middle of a sentence.

Doesn't it fell just great to get paid for your work?

by **alcain** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:17 am

Cristina, I agree with bellzerr on his comment about the phrasing. However, as a promo for the Americas, I think there are a few issues. I will take them as I see them, one by one.

*Note, these are only my opinions. I may or may not correct in my analysis of this flash intro show...

.00-.11 I like the first impression and the song choice. We should be capitalized, but Africa is not an unexplored continent. Maybe something like, "We believe that Africa has yet to develop to it's fullest potential, billions of new business opportunities."

.11-.18 Should read, "Africa has boundless possibilities as a future emerging market".

(The brightness burst simulating a flash is not bright enough to have the desired impact, it almost looks like a glitch).

.18-.24 I would word it, "Delano Consulting Group will help you overcome cultural differences and match your sales strategy with your growth objectives".

(again, the flash burst could be more pronounced)

.24-.44 Wording, "Delano Consulting Group will take full responsibility for your local partners and employee management"

.44-1.13 Great!

1.13-1.26 I like the previous posters, ""Delaino Consulting Group provides facts based market intelligence and guides you to local partners who have specific technology domain expertise"

1.26-2.03 I would say, "Maybe it's time you considered more seriously... the possibilities of doing business in the future of emerging markets, Africa!

These are just some American observations from a cowpoke who comes originally from Texas. It's good to get a variety of opinions and make your choices from what you believe feels right.

My last comment and I am very sure about this one, You really really do need a voice over. Have either a male or a female announcer read the words as they appear on the screen. This will add power and believability.

Hope I did not hurt any feelings, again - these are just my observations...

Blessings, ~al

by **trulytango** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:45 am

Hi there

I agree the show needs more work regarding the wording and text displayed. The suggestions already given are very helpful and will give this presentation more credibility.

I agree with Al that the momentary flash - although perfectly timed to the track, it does look a little limp.

Iris

by **climax** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:54 am

Thank you all for the excelent feedback !!
I feel relieved to have such a great support from you guys. Especially regarding the text, the advices were precious! Thank you so much Bellzerr and Al for all the corrections. I really appreciate that you took the time to analyse what was written, and suggest me better options !! I'm very grateful.

HunnyB thank you too for your style suggestions. I'll give it a try, although I have already showed my client the effects and the way I presented the pics, and he said he loved it. But it doesn't mean that it can't be better, isn't it !? I'll offer him some other options.
I totally get you said about the music. The song is from Sonicfire, so wisely suggested by Alexandra. The software is truly fantastic, and they have this incredible good prices until the 30th. I also get very "absorved" by the song, and I agree it can a bit distractive. And maybe that's why Al suggested the voiceover. I believe that could be indeed a good solution. About the globe clipart, it was my client's choice and he paid for it, so I guess I'll have to keep it.

Thank you too Iris for watching and commenting my show.

But this time I'll have to disagree about my "flashy" effect. I really like it the way it is. I began with very pronounced light and movement and it looked so cheap and without charm! And the more I made it more gentle, the more and more I liked it. In my opinion the subtle effect is more sophisticated. But of course I maybe be wrong. I'll let my client decide.

And finally Bellzerr, it does feel soooooooo good to make some money while I'm having so much fun. I wish you all could see the smile I have in my face.

Thank you all once more,
Cristina

by **lennyman** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:55 am

Cristina
On the first caption screen I suggest that you do not need a comma after Group.
On the 4th screen either add an apostrophe after partners and employees to make them possesive or rephrase it like Al has suggested.
On screen 6 the word facts should be fact.
I guess that you have got some many suggestions that you are wondering whether you should have asked for comments. In the UK there is a saying that a camel is a horse designed by a committee.
David

by **climax** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:59 am

Thank you David,
I appreciate your comments about the text.
And I'm so happy with all the advices I got !!
Cristina

by **AMD** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:34 pm

Cristina,

Congratulations on the new job and on your work with it!

These are my comments; one is subjective--the others are objective:

I agree with a couple of others that the flash is too weak and looks more like a glitch or error. Of course, you will go with your and your client's opinion on that one. For comments on your text, however, I have donned my "old doctoral" hat once again and provide the following objective solutions for your text--since you asked for help:

08 seconds: no comma after "Group"
25 seconds: drop "to" from "helps you to"
43 seconds: employees' (add the apostrophe since it is possessive)
1:24 seconds: facts-based (needs the hyphen since it is a compound adj. before a noun)
also should be "guide" rather than "guides"

Again, congratulations on a nice job.

Ann

by **climax** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:48 pm

Hi Al, Iris and Ann,
Just wanted to say that I tried to add more brightness to my flashy effect and this time I must confess I liked it :oops:

(maybe I didn't like it before because when I had it brighter, I also had more agressive zoom in). But now I really think it does look better, as you have suggested.
Sorry and thank you !!!!!!

Now I'm completely confused about the "guide" or "guides" issue on my slide at 1:23... :roll:

Cristina

by **climax** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 2:19 pm

In case someone wants to have a look at my improved version, here is the new link.

Al, I didn't change the text in the last slide because I belive the way it is is more direct, and it matches better the "Delaino will do the rest" part. But of course I maybe be wrong again :roll:

... I'm still thinking about it.

Hunny, I'll check if my client already has a watermark. That would be a nice touch for sure!
And I'm still going to try some different styles as you suggested...

thanks,
Cristina
http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewsho ... alb=153540

by **lennyman** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 3:19 pm

Cristina
I have had a look at your revised show. At 42 the apostrophe should come after the s in employees because there is more than one employee and more than one engagement. Also fully should be full.
At 1:24 it definitely should be guides as the word Group is a singular collective noun.(sorry to disagree with you Ann)
David

by **bellzerr** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 6:11 pm

I looked at the new show too. I don't know nuthin' 'bout no "singular collective nouns" but it must remain "guides" with the S. And how about this to clear up the slide at 2:14...
"Delaino Consulting Group will take full responsibility for the management of your local partners and their employees."
Mark

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